He’s done. It’s over.
He has done all that I ever expected of him, and so much more. He has made
opportunities for himself to learn, network, travel, and expand who he is. I am floored, stunned, and embarrassingly proud.
Why embarrassingly? Because, I did so
little work towards the accomplishment. I brought him to church, I taught him
about God, and told him to work hard in all that he does. That was it. And now?
Look at him! He’s incredible! He’s a little on the short side, but he is fit, physically
and mentally, and spiritually? Spiritually he is a giant. I mean, no joke, he
is out of this world spiritually educated.
He has been to hell and back alongside me, more than once, I have
watched his heart break, and turned him to the God we know and love, and he has
run with it. Grown in leaps and bounds,
and taught so many others around him that it can be done.
Now what? What can I do? As his mom, I am bound to protect,
nurture, and love him in all of his choices, good bad and indifferent. When I became pregnant with my 5th
son, I cried as I contemplated having to let yet ANOTHER piece of my heart walk
around outside of me, to be hurt, and struggle.
But, those pieces of my heart? All five of them? When they succeed, when
they are loved and honored, and appreciated for who they are? The joy is
tenfold to me. I know who they are, I
know each of their souls, and how amazing they are, and it brings me so much
joy to hear others recognize it too.
But this piece, this piece of my heart is a man now. He actually has been for a long time, but
please don’t tell him that. He is an
adult in the eyes of the law, and the world.
He has completed the training I had for him with his high school
graduation, and has added upon it graduating from seminary. I know the choices I want for his future, I
know I want him to serve the Lord for two years, and then make the most
important decision any man can make in this life, to covenant marriage in the
temple. But I cannot make him. No longer will my threats of driving away
without him, or not getting a dessert after dinner, be effective on this
man. He can meet his own needs. And many
of his wants. He will begin looking for that instruction, that blessing, that
direction, elsewhere even more fully than ever before. He will make his own decisions.
And I will watch. I
will joy in his success and happiness, and grieve for his losses and sorrows. I
can only hope he remembers what he was taught. I can pray for him, pray every
day as I already do. I can ask the Lord to watch over and guide him, as I do
each of my children, but he has the ultimate gift, as do we all. He has his agency. Camping trip? I cannot say
no. Where to work? I cannot tell him, or make him save his money. College? I
cannot tell him where. Mission? I cannot
make him go, or stay when he arrives.
All I can do is offer to listen if he is willing to talk to me. I can listen to him as he reasons it all out,
as he shares thoughts and ideas with me, his feelings about choices and
activities, if he asks I can offer counsel, and prayer, and advice, but never
again will I have authority for him. It
is at the same time a helpless and a glorious feeling. Congratulations my son. You are amazing. I
will love you more than you will ever comprehend, forever and always.
